Well Friday I weighed in at 196.5lbs. I am up 7lbs from the lowest I hit a few weeks ago….not too happy about that. The good news is I am not ALL TOO worried for some reason. I know my diet hasn’t been perfect and I have been lifting a lot recently. Whenever I first begin lifting, I usually gain weight the first week or two, weird.

Last night Kim and I went to the bar and drank a good amount. Its funny how good we do together…..we can do just as bad. Both of us love good foods and to drink……I guess its good we have more stuff in common. I wore a nice dress shirt and actually tucked in. I enjoy getting new clothes now since I can find things in my size. It makes me feel good to dress up and in my eyes I look good compared to what I once was. I went to Kohl’s with Kim this morning to get some pants and long sleeve shirts.

This morning I had a hangover and am really craving bad foods. I even made myself a Bloody Mary. I have never had one before, but I tasted one a while ago….not bad.

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Monday

September 14, 2009

I haven’t updated my journal in a bit. My grand mom died on Friday. I feel really bad, because she is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I haven’t been doing great on my diet either. I had more cheat days than not and am not too happy about that. Going back to work on Tuesday was a drag, and now I am off until Thursday. I get 3 days paid for my grand moms death….so I was off today, tomorrow, and Wednesday.

I have done 3 work outs so far at the gym….not much, but it has really made me sore. The last time I worked out was yesterday and I could tell that the soreness isn’t too bad. That is great news, because I will be able to work out more frequently.

I’m really happy about the Eagles victory yesterday. I drank a good bit with Kim, and after the game we went to this local bar. They were giving away an authentic Jeremy Maclin jersey. Each drink you ordered you would get a ticket. We were only there for maybe 2 hours, but racked up about 12 tickets lol. We ended up winning! I couldn’t believe it. I never win anything like that. I don’t ever think I have won a raffle in all of my life….it was a cool feeling. I wonder what the people at the bar were thinking when we won. They were probably there much longer than us.

pictures

September 8, 2009

open with warning

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/Fieldsy84/ry1.jpg – before

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/Fieldsy84/ry2.jpg – before

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/Fieldsy84/ry3.jpg – before

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/Fieldsy84/ry6.jpg – 2003

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/Fieldsy84/8-24-09-1.jpg – after

Tuesday, back to work

September 8, 2009

Well today was my first day back at work. I was looking forward to it and I wasn’t. I already miss not having anything to do all day haha. People welcomed me back and said I looked real good which was nice to hear. I thought I was going to get 20 questions all day by everyone, but it was more laid back then I thought.

I was sore all weekend from one little routine I did last week….crazy. Kim and I played tennis twice which was good. Tennis is my favorite cardio right now. I even like to watch it. I am going to workout before work tomorrow. The gym opens up at 5am and I have to be in work by 6:30….I can make it.

I am going to put up some before pictures of me, with after. Hopefully this will help people get an idea of what to expect with surgery. I couldn’t be happier.

Friday, 194.5lbs

September 4, 2009

Last night Kim and I went to the bar and drank. I drank a pretty good amount….so much I lost count, probably about 7 shots of Jack and 6-7 beers. I ate a lot of shitty food too. I am real pissed at myself. I know its mostly water weight, but I don’t like failing myself. To make up for it I am not going to drink the rest of the weekend. I’m gonna eat good, but will probably have some pizza for dinner. This morning I was sore from the workout and hungover from drinking. I had about one egg today so far and I don’t have much appetite. I went for a 30 min walk and had a good sweat.

I’m tired of feeling insecure. I have always been insecure about my weight and my stuttering problem. I think way too much and I care way too much. I am tired of caring about what others think of me and putting everything ahead of myself. Its time to ease up on giving a shit. I’m not benefiting anything from it. From now on I am going to be more confident and less insecure. I’m tired of worrying and being jealous. I’m only making things worse for me. I am a competitive person and its making it worse. I’m gonna concentrate more on me.

I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself.

Completely.

When I was young I had no sense of myself. All I was, was a product of all the fear and humiliation I suffered. Fear of my parents. The humiliation of teachers calling me “garbage can” and telling me I’d be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy, and when others would tease me I didn’t run home crying, wondering why. I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty good at boxing but only because the rage that filled my every waking moment made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy.

I hated myself all the time. As stupid at it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn’t going to get pounded in the hallway between classes. Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside. I only talked to a few boys in my grade. Other losers. Some of them are to this day the greatest people I have ever known. Hang out with a guy who has had his head flushed down a toilet a few times, treat him with respect, and you’ll find a faithful friend forever. But even with friends, school sucked. Teachers gave me hard time. I didn’t think much of them either.

Then came Mr. Pepperman, my advisor. He was a powerfully built Vietnam veteran, and he was scary. No one ever talked out of turn in his class.Once one kid did and Mr. P. lifted him off the ground and pinned him to the blackboard. Mr. P. could see that I was in bad shape, and one Friday in October he asked me if I had ever worked out with weights. I told him no. He told me that I was going to take some of the money that I had saved and buy a hundred-pound set of weights at Sears. As I left his office, I started to think of things I would say to him on Monday when he asked about the weights that I was not going to buy. Still, it made me feel special. My father never really got that close to caring. On Saturday I bought the weights, but I couldn’t even drag them to my mom’s car. An attendant laughed at me as he put them on a dolly.

Monday came and I was called into Mr. P.’s office after school. He said that he was going to show me how to work out. He was going to put me on a program and start hitting me in the solar plexus in the hallway when I wasn’t looking. When I could take the punch we would
know that we were getting somewhere. At no time was I to look at myself in the mirror or tell anyone at school what I was doing.

In the gym he showed me ten basic exercises. I paid more attention than I ever did in any of my classes. I didn’t want to blow it. I went home that night and started right in.

Weeks passed, and every once in a while Mr. P. would give me a shot and drop me in the hallway, sending my books flying. The other students didn’t know what to think. More weeks passed, and I was steadily adding new weights to the bar. I could sense the power inside my body growing. I could feel it.

Right before Christmas break I was walking to class, and from out of nowhere Mr. Pepperman appeared and gave me a shot in the chest. I laughed and kept going. He said I could look at myself now. I got home and ran to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt. I saw a body, not just the shell that housed my stomach and my heart. My biceps bulged. My chest had definition. I felt strong. It was the first time I can remember having a sense of myself. I had done something and no one could ever take it away. You couldn’t say **** to me.

It took me years to fully appreciate the value of the lessons I have learned from the Iron. I used to think that it was my adversary, that I was trying to lift that which does not want to be lifted. I was wrong.When the Iron doesn’t want to come off the mat, it’s the kindest thing it can do for you. If it flew up and went through the ceiling, it wouldn’t teach you anything. That’s the way the Iron talks to you. It tells you that the material you work with is that which you will come to resemble. That which you work against will always work against you.

It wasn’t until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can’t be as bad as that workout.

I used to fight the pain, but recently this became clear to me: pain is not my enemy; it is my call to greatness. But when dealing with the Iron, one must be careful to interpret the pain correctly. Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn’t ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you’re not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control.

I have never met a truly strong person who didn’t have self-respect. I think a lot of inwardly and outwardly directed contempt passes itself off as self-respect: the idea of raising yourself by stepping on someone’s shoulders instead of doing it yourself. When I see guys working out for cosmetic reasons, I see vanity exposing them in the worst way, as cartoon characters, billboards for imbalance and insecurity. Strength reveals itself through character. It is the difference between bouncers who get off strong-arming people and Mr.Pepperman.

Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.

Yukio Mishima said that he could not entertain the idea of romance if he was not strong. Romance is such a strong and overwhelming passion, a weakened body cannot sustain it for long. I have some of my most romantic thoughts when I am with the Iron. Once I was in love with a woman. I thought about her the most when the pain from a workout was racing through my body.

Everything in me wanted her. So much so that sex was only a fraction of my total desire. It was the single most intense love I have ever felt, but she lived far away and I didn’t see her very often. Working out was a healthy way of dealing with the loneliness. To this day, when I work out I usually listen to ballads.

I prefer to work out alone. It enables me to concentrate on the lessons that the Iron has for me. Learning about what you’re made of is always time well spent, and I have found no better teacher. The Iron had taught me how to live. Life is capable of driving you out of your mind. The way it all comes down these days, it’s some kind of miracle if you’re not insane. People have become separated from their bodies. They are no longer whole.

I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind.

Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind.

The Iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found. There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength. Once the mind and body have been awakened to their true potential, it’s impossible to turn back.

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

Workout 1

September 3, 2009

I was cleared today to workout from my doctor, so I didn’t waste any time. I started the New Rules of Lifting. I did “Break In A”. I would of jumped right into the regular Fat Burning Phase 1, but I knew it would kill me and its good to take things slow in the beginning. The break in is only 5 exercises…consisting of..(with my weights)

Squats 2×15 95lbs
Lunges 2×15*(star meaning each arm,leg) 45lbs
Dumbbell Rows 2×20*
Push Ups 2×10(I struggled to do 15)
Crunches 2×20

I know its not much, but I am really feeling it. I missed this feeling. That little workout made me sweat pretty damn good.

This morning I went for a walk before my doctors appointment. The appointment was just a check up to see if all the scars are healing up nicely…which they are. My neck has some areas in which feels a little hard and stiff. This is normal during the healing phase. It is probably the last time I will see my doctor. She is leaving the hospital, because she wants more money and the hospital doesn’t want to give it to her. I guess I got everything done just in time, because I couldn’t be more happier about the results.

I got before pictures from her office of my body. I couldn’t believe what I used to look like. It made me feel kind of emotional. All of my life I felt disgust in myself. Looking at those pictures just made me remember how much I hated what I looked like and would do anything to look better. I guess thats why I am reaching my goals. Some people have to hit rock bottom to realize they are screwing up and when I was at my highest weight it hit me.

People say do not go into plastic surgery with high expectations….because you may be very disappointed. After I kept hearing this I had my doubts, because my case was pretty bad as compared to others. Losing over 225lbs at the time I had a lot of loose skin…way more than the normal plastic surgery patient.

After every surgery I felt amazing. The results are far better than I ever imagined….and the feeling is unbelievable. Even when I lost all the weight, I still felt like a prisoner in my own body. I was far better in health, but every time I looked in the mirror I just was in disgust. The funny thing is I wanted to first meet Kim after my surgeries, because I didn’t feel like I was good enough for her. I am very happy I chose to meet her before I had all of my surgeries, because I don’t know if things would be the same….and I don’t even wanna think about it. I wanted to see her so bad I didn’t care about my appearance anymore.

People ask me about my scars. They wonder if they will go away or if they bother me. To be honest, I didn’t worry at all about the scars. I’d rather have these scars than flabs of skin all over my body. If these scars fade, great…if they don’t I could care less. I never felt better in my life and I am proud of these scars.

I seen Halloween 2 on Monday. It was the first movie I have ever seen by myself in theaters. It was actually nice and it helped pass the time.

Going into the movie, I didn’t have high expectations….at all. I really hated the first Halloween Rob Zombie did and I couldn’t imagine it being worse than that…but I was wrong. The only reason why I went to see the movie was because I am a diehard Halloween fan. The original Halloween was the first movie that I kind of obsessed over. I was only 5 years old. My brother had it taped on a blank tape and I literally watched the movie every day for a long time. I couldn’t get enough of the music, the suspense, the great acting, the horror. To this day I still have nightmares of Michael Myers and they still freak me out.

Anyways, this movie….

The acting was typical of a horror movie. Only the classic slasher horror movies have decent/good acting. The thing this movie lacked with the acting is you didn’t get to know any of the characters….not even Laurie. The actors were just there, they were boring. Dr. Loomis in the original was amazing, great and dramatic. In this movie he didn’t have no effect whatsoever. He could of not even be in the film and it wouldn’t of made a difference. Laurie (Myers sister)…half of the movie was dreams in her head, the other half was her screaming and the annoying camera shaking. You didn’t really care if she died or not….I was actually rooting for people to die in this movie.

Michael Myers is 9 feet tall in this movie. Rob Zombie turned a classic into a Rob Zombie music video. The kill scenes were pretty good, but there was no suspense! You knew exactly when Myers was going to kill. Myers MO is him lurking and you could see him in the background….not in this movie. There was no suspense or thrill to the murders. I only liked the gore.

Wow, I am not surprised Sherri Moon Zombie was in the movie. She played Myers mom but as a ghost in this one (wow, anything to be in the movie…..even though it made it SHITTY). Her and the stupid horse made this movie a joke. Rob Zombie claims this is his vision of the movie….his vision of Halloween…well I think he should get his head out of Sherri Moons ass before he creates another movie. I’m done with his garbage.

I heard there is going to be a Halloween 3D coming out next summer and Zombie isn’t going to do it. If this happens I will be fairly excited about it!

Wednesday

September 2, 2009

Its a beautiful day outside today. This morning I went for a nice walk and it felt great. My hands were actually a bit chilly. I have missed the fall and glad it is coming around soon. Yesterday I went off my diet. I just ate pretty much all day. It was all decent foods, just a lot of it. Kim and I did have pancakes for dinner which was awesome. I could eat pancakes everyday.

Tomorrow I see my doctor for a check up. Everything seems fine. She is going to let me know if I can start working out again…if so I will be hitting the gym tomorrow! I have really missed it and wish I could have been working out all this time I have been off…oh well. Getting back into shape is very hard at first. I imagine I will be sore as hell after the first workout. I will take it easy though so we will see.

Today I am going to the italian market in Philly to sell some of my dvds to this lady who runs a store in there. Its a shame how much I am going to get for them compared to how much I really paid. Ever since I found Amazon I have bought all my movies and cds there…..so cheap (even with the shipping).